My 11 Commandments

“I wrote this guide a while back after having a conversation with a young guy on Grindr who was asking me about how he can get straight men. It’s more of a guide to my younger self, with steps I never really took or paid enough attention to. Take from it what you will.”

  1. Avoid any man that tells you he is straight, but you are ‘turning’ him. He is bad news. You are about to be taken on an emotional and sexual rollercoaster that is not worth it. You will repeat this pattern over and over and over and over… and they’ll never ‘come out’ for you. They won’t hold your hand on the high street. You aren’t going to introduce them to the family and the fairy tale will not happen. “This one is different”. No he’s not. Block him. Every time you want to reach out to him, masturbate. Every time you want to contact him, call your friends and tell them that you’re about to. They’ll remind you of how he made you feel. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. This is my number one point because it’s the most important.
  2. Nothing in life comes for free. He isn’t your sugar daddy and that isn’t a present. It’s a contract waiting to be fulfilled. He will be so sweet and assure you that ‘you are different and no-ones ever made a rich man feel so special’. You are being used and patronised. Get a job. Save some cash. It’s hard but you’ll manage it. It’s not glamorous, it’s not edgy, it’s not ‘L.A.’ It’s subconscious self harm. Buy your own shit. You can manage it and you’ll love it more. If you can’t afford a Gucci shirt then you don’t need a Gucci shirt. Stop worrying about designer labels and how other people view you. Visit Charity shops at least once a week.
  3. If he/she/they give you reason to not trust them; don’t. Don’t be embarrassed to question bad behaviour. Don’t let someone convince you that you’re being irrational for expecting clarity. As long as you’re being fair and have reason to investigate – do it. DO NOT, and I repeat, do NOT let someone convince you that your emotions are ‘psycho’. If you have a legitimate reason to feel insecure, explore it. Don’t bottle it up. It will come out as pure toxicity. On that note, don’t do the same to others. Don’t behave badly and manipulate others into not feeling OK to address it. Be accountable. If you fuck up, own it and move on. With or without them.
  4. Try and save IT for someone special. The first time, I mean. As you get older there will be lots of time to throw it around. Trust me. Save the first time for someone you can look in the eye and admire. Someone you’re proud of. You may be 13 when you meet them, you may be 27. You may not be in love but it’ll feel right. Hold onto it because you’ll never forget it. It’s not always that easy but if you can do it, do it. One day you’ll want to look back and smile.
  5. 5. Use a condom. Have condoms on your person at all times. Keep them in your wallet, in your sock, in your back pack – just have one to hand. Do not let someone talk you into not using one. Common manipulation tactics are; “it feels better”, “I cant stay hard with it on” and the infamous “don’t you trust me?”. No. Absolutely not. Use a condom. Listen to your gut. Unless it’s telling you to not protect yourself. Don’t be embarrassed to buy them, because the cashier doesn’t care. She/He/They have sold them to a million people before you. Can’t face it? Go online; Amazon, Clonezone etc. Take pride in buying them. If you can’t afford them, go to a GUM clinic.
  6. Which brings me to my next point; GUM clinics. If you’re sexually active, try and go every 3 months. This is your self-care day and your M.O.T. Make it your routine. It doesn’t matter if your recent sex has been protected or if there hasn’t been much at all. Set it into your calendar. 90 days = clinic. If you have a bad experience at one, try another. You will find one you feel comfortable at. You absolutely MUST go at least once every 6 months. But try and stick to 3. Be honest with your doctors. They’re paid to help you. They trained for years to help you. Ask them questions. They’ve heard it all before.
  7. You will probably look back at how you look now in 10 years and think “I looked fine. What was all the worry about?”. Don’t compare yourself to others because you will never be like them. You can only be an improved version of yourself. Look yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you’re special. No one else can give the world what you can. You are a unique entity and nothing can replace you. Stretch marks happen, everyone’s metabolism is different and your hair will never look like his/hers/theirs. Instagram models are not important unless you make them. Everyone has their 15 minutes. Stop trying to duplicate or copy what someone else has done. Stop looking for reasons to break yourself down.
  8. Find a role model that worked their way from the ground up. Try to avoid the culture of ‘exposure is everything’ and instant fame. Reality TV is not real. Do research on artists, philosophers, and your family members (if you’re lucky enough to have). Take solace in the words and experiences of people you want to be like. Make sure you’ve read all of Maya Angelou’s poetry and can sing along to at least one David Bowie song. Your role model doesn’t have to look like you or have a similar beginning in life. Most things in life are relative and can be applied to everyone in their own way. Believe you can do it and every time you feel like you can’t; take your mind to a bad place from your childhood, and tell your young self why you’re going to make it through this moment. Do it for them (do it for you).
  9. Laugh at yourself. Stop taking everything so fucking seriously. Most things in life are out of your control, so be a little more laid back. Don’t take it all so personally and try to develop a sense of humour about the bad things people say about you. For example; if they’re insulting your eyebrows… yeah I do look like a patterned rug salesman. Got wonky teeth? …yeah I’ve chewed a few pavements in my day.
  10. Don’t ignore or reject him/her/they because they aren’t your usual type. You aren’t with your usual type. That’s why you’re single. So it’s not a viable option. Give chances to people that you wouldn’t usually. You might just be surprised. Sometimes our ‘type’ is a subconscious self-destruct mode we have to keep ourselves alone. You are not better than anyone else and no one else is better than you. Keep an open mind.
  11. “I don’t rim / I don’t kiss / I don’t suck” – You don’t continue with the person that dares to utter these words to you. GOODBYE.