COCKBLOCKED BY CORONAVIRUS: Surviving Quarantine as a Hyper-Sexual Person

The world is in a very uncertain and somewhat terrifying (dependent on how you look at it) position. It feels like absolutely everything about ‘normal’ life changed in a few days and we are all on this extended, anxious break from normality – without knowing when it’ll all be over with. ANYWAY, I’m not an epidemiology expert. I will leave the discussions of the ins-and-outs of COVID-19 to the experts.

What I am an expert in is sex and self-satisfaction. Basically being an unapologetic slapper. And I have been struck by the bleak-reality that I cannot have sex for at least 14 days as I am in quarantine. (Why am I in quarantine, you ask? Because I’d like to hang out with my parents, who are both 65+, and I don’t fancy bringing a virus to them. So, I am waiting this out to see if I have possibly contracted the COVID-19 virus and can then ride it out).

Have you also been Cockblocked by Corona? Clitblocked? You just want to sink yourself into someone else’s body but you can’t?! SAME. S A M E. As soon as I am told I cannot do something, every single cell in my body wants to do it. I must be sensible. Even though I’d probably fight someone to the death just to feel a big pair of bollocks in my hand at this very moment. But, I am being a brat. Perspective is everything. In the grand scheme of things – in a hideous situation where people are unwell and dying – not having sex is a luxurious complaint to have. But I do appreciate that it might be hard for some of us. So with all of this in mind, I’ve thrown together a guide to surviving your isolation and/or quarantine period alone. Sexually. Without sexual partners. We can do this together!


Even if it’s a regular fuck-buddy. If you’re both in quarantine, then you should agree to meet WHEN YOU’RE BOTH DONE. Make it something to look forward to. If it’s someone you have good communications with and TRUST, then this shouldn’t be too hard as plenty of people are quarantining at the moment. Remember the whole point of going into quarantine is to see if you show symptoms over the fortnight (the window period for symptoms is up to 2 weeks). So if you meet with and are intimate with someone – even if you don’t actually have sex – you’re potentially back to square one.

Social distancing has been advised as it will help beat ‘the curve’ in the growing cases of Corona Virus. Don’t be selfish.



This break in routine can sometimes lead to us forgetting to do certain things that we do at certain times of the day. Like taking medications, for example. Remember to take your PrEP, your combined pill, your HIV meds, your doxycycline, or whatever else it is that you take. Set alarms if you need to. I have a PrEP alarm which goes off every day at 10am to remind me, which is also when I start work.

Self care is very important right now. Stay hydrated. Try and drink 1.5/2 litres a day. We are all hyper-stressed on some level at the moment, so try and keep on top of your water in-take. Set an alarm to remind you top up your glass every 2 hours, especially if you are working. And ESPECIALLY if you’re going to be rigorously masturbating later.


Feeling sexy, having amazing orgasms and feeling satisfied doesn’t come solely from being in bed with someone else. Utilise this time to teach your body (and your mind) how to feel satisfied without someone else’s intervention. Do things that make YOU feel sexy. This is a practice of self-care and I think that now more than ever, we should start putting our ‘self-love’ work in. Loving yourself is a full-time job that takes constant up-keep. Ultimately, do it for you and keep in mind that the better you feel about yourself, and the more the learn to accept the sexual side of your character… the more that you’ll enjoy sex.

What do I mean by ‘Positive Sexual Practices’? Doing something that’s a treat for you which either results in you feeling sexy or you feel sexy whilst doing it. Something for YOU, not a partner. For example: shave your legs because YOU want to feel silky-smooth. Not just so you can take sexy pics to send to them. Whether that be shaving your legs, wearing a certain perfume around the house, doing your eyebrows, sitting on the edge of the washing machine on a spin cycle or watching yourself masturbate in the mirror – do it! Dedicate a decent amount of time to it. Which leads me to…


Any type of masturbation is great but due to the sheer amount of time we have on our hands at the moment – this is a great time to try new things. There are lots of things that you can try;

  • Edging. Don’t jump into a race for orgasm. TEASE YOURSELF.
  • Introducing lube. Try extra-lubricant, warming lube, tingling. Try a mix. Online sex toy retailers are still shipping currently. Hit me up if you want some discount codes.
  • Inside or out? If you usually fuck yourself or play with your hole, try playing with the external bits and vice versa. If you’re a penis owner, try putting something inside yourself as you masturbate.
  • Position your body differently. Contort yourself and take advantage of furniture. Example: rest your bum and hips on the seat of a chair with your neck/shoulders on the ground – instead of laying on your back.
  • Experience the orgasm. Really pay attention to HOW your orgasm feels, each time. Where it explodes from and what body parts feel the most sensitive as you’re cumming. Stimulate these next time you play.
  • Breathing exercises. Changing up your breathing can change the masturbation experience drastically. Tip (if you don’t have symptoms / sore throat) pant HEAVILY and FAST *as* you orgasm. It can give your ‘O’ a great boost.
  • Nipples. Get to know your nipples as you masturbate. You’ll see. Well, some of you will. Nipples are a great erogenous zone.
  • Sensitivity. Play with your skin as you play with your genitals. Stroke yourself and gently, slowly tickle your inner thighs, hips and neck. Make it sensual and worship yourself.
  • Temperature. Introduce cool air (fan or window), warm air (hairdryer or heater) and play with yourself with the breeze and or incoming warmth. Or use both at the same time… give yourself goosebumps and go from there. I personally LOVE this.
  • Coffee & Cigarette breaks. If you’re working from home, change your coffee/fag breaks to masturbation breaks. Not to orgasm, just to tease yourself throughout the day and then enjoy the big bash at the end of the day. Wash your hands for more than 20 seconds after, pls.


One of my favourite topics and WHAT BETTER TIME TO USE SEX TOYS. As I said above, lots of adult toy retailers are still processing orders online – with some special offers as incentive so now is the time.

As with the guide to masturbation above – MIX IT UP. Try things you’ve wanted to try before but have always skipped. A few examples:

  • See if you can make yourself orgasm with vibration alone (no hands or moving back/forward/round/up/down motions etc.
  • ANAL. Try anal toys. Please note that anal toys are designed for anal for a reason. Don’t put a product in your behind that isn’t recommended and DEFINITELY do not use it anally if it doesn’t have a base.
  • Use a toy without stress or pressure on any other part of your body, so you can solely focus on sensations. Example: pad your headboard with cushions to rest your back on and pile cushions either side of you, so you can lay back with your legs up and open – without having to ‘hold’ them there.
  • If you’re a penis-owner, practice fucking your masturbation toy without wanking with it. Rest it between pillows or trap it between your mattress and bed frame. This will help train both your endurance and sexual performance in future. This trick is particularly good for those who struggle to orgasm from fucking without having to ‘finish themselves off’ at the end.

This is also a really good time to spring-clean your toys. Even if you haven’t used them in a while. Give your toys a good clean and allow them to dry naturally, before storing them. Store them so they aren’t touching one another.

Brands I recommend: Nexus. Doxy. WeVibe. Satisfyer. Hankeys. If you want specific product recommendations, click here, tell me what you’re looking for and I’ll get back to you ASAP.


If you can’t get ’em physically… get them digitally. It’s 2020 and we are lucky to have such easy access to video calling – whether it be FaceTime, Skype, Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, etc etc. A video call can be lots of fun. There’s a few things to take into consideration before getting your pissflaps out on camera though:

  • Do it with someone that you trust. The last thing you want in the current climate are screenshots and/or screen recordings being taken.
  • If you don’t 100% trust the person but you NEED cam2cam time – make sure to keep your face, tattoos and any distinguishing marks out of shot. My best advice is don’t do it if you don’t trust them. But, I know what people ‘be like’.
  • Surprise them. And get a thrill from it. Throw on some lingerie/bondage/costume on or have sex toys ready. Or both!
  • If you share a house, lock your door and put on some music to block out noise. Move speakers near your door to act as a buffer. Use a headphone headset if you can (iPhone headphones with mic for example). Your housemates don’t need to hear you playing.

There are ways to make cyber sex extra-exciting. There are lots of bluetooth controlled sex toys out there, and you can give your partner full-control – regardless of their location. Introducing LOVENSE (clicky) and WeConnect by WeVibe. You’re welcome.

Also: phone sex. Same rules.


Why not take some sexy pics to give YOU (you is the important word here) a little boost?! Even if you don’t post them on any social media, you have them to look at. Quite a few of us have lots of time on our hands at the moment, so why not set up a proper selfie photo-shoot. Utilise your furniture, lighting, makeup, lingerie, anything! And hey, if you’re really happy with the result – post ‘em! But post them for you, not for anyone else. If you are instantly repulsed with how you look, don’t delete them. Come back to them in a few weeks time and I bet you’ll find one that you like. We’re all a bit extra-sensitive at the minute, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Why do it?

  • It occupies your time.
  • It helps encourage you to appreciate your physical appearance.
  • The more you look at the parts of your body that you ‘don’t like’ the more you get used to them. Try and accept that some things won’t change. If ever there was a time…
  • It potentially gives you something to pose on social media, which may give you a little rush if people start reacting.

Zoom into the pics and appreciate the curves, bones, hairs, smoothness and shapes of your body. Ain’t no-one else got that. It’s yours. Allow yourself to accept to believe that you’re fucking sexy… because you are. I know a few people read that line and thought “not me”. Yes you are, start the process again. Back to the beginning of the guide and work your way down again.

I guarantee you that there’s people out there who’d love to be in that room with you, as you do your mini photo-shoot. The internet is full of body-positives of all genders, races, disabilities, ages. Seek a few out and read their posts. Study their positive self-affirming languages about their own body-image and try and apply it to yourself. It’s not easy at first but it gets easier.

There’s no problem with thinking that you’re a bit of a babe. It just takes some of us a little longer than others.


This one is quite simple and obvious but let’s discuss the options of mixing it up and the details of doing so.

  • Watch that genre of porn you’ve been hesitant to click into. Scared about how much you’ll like it? Now’s the time, babes. CLICK.
  • Mix it up. If you’re used to watching hardcore, watch sensual. If you’re used to watching studio, watch independent.
  • Edge yourself. We all know what type of porn makes us cum quickly, so instead of running towards the finish line… tease yourself. Focus on other body parts as you play.
  • Sign up to that OnlyFans/Just4Fans content performer that you’ve always been curious about. Most subscriptions are between £3-15 and you’re supporting a sex worker. Lot’s of them are doing live shows at the moment, too. So you get to interact with them discreetly.
  • AUDIO PORN. Why not treat yourself to some audio porn? You’ll be surprised by how much you like it. Check out sites such as Dipsea, Quinn or check out the incredible GirlOnTheNet who posts for free – so click here to support their Patreon.
  • Erotic Fiction. This might be *the* perfect time to start reading sexy stories over the visual-overload of porn. This is a great time to start treating your senses kindly, and using your imagination can be one of the most erotic things that you can do. The wonderful people at Cosmopolian have a section full of free stories. Click here. Also, the iconic sex-educator expert, Cara Sutra has a dedicated section (clicky). Or why not write your own?


I don’t think this one takes too much explaining. Try and avoid spending too much time online at the moment, although some of my points above are online-dependent. Don’t spend hours doing things that don’t require hours. Lots of phones give you your ‘screen time’ for the day, try and make it less-and-less for each day. Also, try to give yourself 30 minutes before going to bed without your phone. This helps your eyes acclimatise to evening time and therefore helps you sleep better.


I hope this guide helps you find a way to take out all of your sexual frustrations. None of us are perfect, but I hope that you find a way to satisfy yourself without potentially risking your or someone else’s health. Lots of us have our hands-tied in this situations (pun-intended), so if you are a hyper-sexual being who’s used to a healthy amount of sexy time… now is a great time to put some of the above into action. It’s always easier-said-than-done but in a situation that feels a little like house arrest – push yourself.

If you want clarification on any of the above points, click here, fill out the form and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

Take care. Stay inside. Drink Water. Eat Well. Wash your hands.

Want more? Click here to check out my podcast ‘Sex with Topher